


Nowhere between Somewhere

by shutupeccles



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-15
Updated: 2010-06-15
Packaged: 2017-11-02 11:21:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/368432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shutupeccles/pseuds/shutupeccles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something went awry when King Arthur was killed, a mistake or an omission. Whatever went wrong, when Merlin could not save him a pattern began. Many different lives were lived and deaths were died looking for the answer to the eternal question: What went wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nowhere between Somewhere

Again?

Waiting...

no

disappointment, death

 

_ Again? _

Waiting...

no

disappointment, death

 

_ Again? _

Waiting...

_ I say, Universe, I’m getting more than a tad sick of this! _

waiting...

_ Hang about...could it be? _

   
  
  
 

“We have a new student. Would anyone like to volunteer...?”

Justin hated this: Different school, same routine. A teacher always ‘volunteered’ someone to show the _dork_ new boy around because no-one wanted to. 

Except this time a hand must have shot up before she completed the hated question.

“Mr Falconer...unfortunately this is the only class the two of you share. Perhaps...”

Justin looked up to see who Falconer could be. Every student had their heads lowered to avoid the teacher’s eye. One at the back however looked bummed rather than anxious as he flicked the corners of his book—royally bummed. Justin dismissed him as an over-achiever trying to score brownie points as he shuffled off to sit next to his _reluctant_ appointed guide. 

Mr Falconer didn’t participate in the rather vocal lesson and judging from the teacher’s reaction this was an unusual occurrence. _Yep, pet_. While Justin caught him looking in his direction a few times, their eyes never met.

_ There’s something about him...poofter stalker probably. Assumes because I’m slight I’m Gay. He’s bummed because now he can’t say ‘I’m not a bigot - I have a fag for a friend’. The fact I actually  _ am _Gay is of course totally irrelevant to this line of thought._

Justin followed Mr Reluctant – no point remembering his real name, once the job is done he’ll P.O.Q. like the rest – and thought no more of Golden Boy during the week.

#~~~#

_ It’s him. It has to be. _

The dark-haired youth stood in front of the Principal’s office the same way Merlin stood in Uther’s hall, neither obsequious nor confident enough to blend in.

Arthur had lived countless lives since Mordred killed him; all the time waiting, searching for Merlin. There was something important that was supposed to happen between them before he died that hadn’t. Even now, all Arthur knew for certain was that he had to make it right.

Miss Carmichael was just beginning to make his favourite subject incredibly dull when she stopped blathering on. Arthur followed her gaze with the rest of the class to see the new boy hesitating in the doorway.

_ Maybe it isn’t him. _

This, that and some other things weren’t completely the same—but neither was Arthur. He’d been males, females, an hermaphrodite, straight, lesbian, bisexual, a horse—that had been The Worst Ever—yet somehow he expected Merlin to just be **Merlin**. Arthur raised his hand before the teacher finished her spiel. _Look up, look up, look up. Please be you._

 “Mr Falconer...unfortunately...”

He wanted to argue: ‘Look you silly cow, it has to be me. We’re destined to be friends. What does being five minutes late to every class for two weeks really compare on the grand scale of things?’ Instead, he flicked dejectedly at the corner of his book and stared at the thoughts in his head.

_ Won’t be him anyway... _

Throughout the lesson Arthur kept unusually quiet and simply observed... _stupid moo didn’t even mention Noob’s name_. He watched for clues in the way Noob sat, the contributions he made, idiosyncratic behaviours, his apparel. Noob looked around several times but always avoided eye contact. Arthur decided to keep his distance, no point building his hopes up or giving Noob the impression he was a stalker.

The only thing Arthur was certain of when he headed off to math was that he found Noob very pleasant to look at.

#~~~#

Three weeks here and Falconer didn’t seek him out once. After all that eye-molesting Justin figured he’d at least want to introduce himself. He heard a gaggle of girls giggle about Golden Boy as they waited behind him in the canteen line. Looking ahead he had to admit he was rather _delicious_ attractive.

“Nom, nom, nom,” a blond with pink streaks said with deliberate volume.

“No chance,” Falconer replied casually as he walked past with his purchase and group of friends. “You all lack rather necessary equipment.”

Justin cursed his previous presumption. He was doomed to be friendless and alone again, naturally.

#~~~# 

After a month watching Noob drift around by his lonesome self, Arthur had to find out. It was eating at him, making him useless. He hurried out of their closing session theology only to hover in the corridor. Arthur still didn’t know more than the guy’s surname—none of his friends cared and were starting to talk behind his back about him fishing for info. Arthur didn’t care. If this was Merlin all the ridicule would be worth it. If he wasn’t—Arthur didn’t want to think about that. Not that he’d suddenly care for others’ opinions; he learned how unimportant they were lives ago. What if he never got to...?

Maybe-Merlin was last out, having some question he didn’t want to voice in front of the class.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” Arthur said as soon as he emerged. Noob’s eyes went immediately to the floor while Arthur’s danced all over his face. “You don’t remember...

#~~~# 

...me do you?”

He felt Golden Boy continue to look at him and wondered whether to chance talking to him. Perhaps he wasn’t a prick. Neither he nor his cronies gave Justin any crap while everyone else did.

“Trust me. If we’d ever met I’d remember.” Justin could not find the courage to look up and turned away, only to feel a light tug on his sleeve.

“Why won’t you look at me?”

Golden Boy sounded genuinely concerned. _I look every chance I get._

“...do you really?”

_ Crap! I said that out loud! _

“What’s your name?”

“Please leave me alone. I don’t know what you’re playing at but I’ve had enough being dicked around.”

“I need to know if you...”

Justin noticed the odd edge of fear in the other youth’s voice. He felt it too often in his own throat every damn day not to recognise it for what it was.

“If I what?”

He looked up and after flitting about every other _golden delicious_ feature of Falconer’s face, focussed on the most captivating blue eyes he’d ever seen...

#~~~# 

...so truly blue and then they gleamed like a bird of prey, like the falcon he was named for.

“It _is_ you.” Arthur’s heart danced as he took Merlin’s face in his hands and

#~~~# 

kissed him.

Justin was left reeling from the shifting universe inside his head as a long-forgotten past and present came crashing together before their lips met. Images of young friends growing to older men played through his mind as Falconer’s (Arthur’s?) mouth moved subtly against his. A sense of foreboding overshadowed a (memory?) of those blue eyes in a world-lined face, bearing a magnificent sword and all disappeared as their eyes closed just before the kiss ended.

“Who _are_ you?”

#~~~# 

Arthur’s elation collapsed.

“You don’t know me?”

He released the latest in a line of non-Merlin’s and turned away, head down with pressure building behind his eyes, between his temples and weighing upon his soul. He’d never been stupid enough to kiss one before. Then again, he’d never wanted to, not even the original. They weren’t like that.

A hand pulled his shoulder back.

“Please, tell me – what _was_ that? Who’s Arthur? How did you make your eyes change colour?”

He sounded afraid, curious and so **Merlin** that Arthur stopped but did not turn around.

“Your eyes always changed colour, not mine. You’re the one with magic, Merlin.”

“No, they did. I saw them—from blue to a shimmery ochre colour. How’d you know my middle name? Who were those...?”

Arthur chuckled at the familiar verbal overflow and looked up at him askance.

#~~~# 

Merlin’s heart trampolined between his navel and throat as Golden Boy’s chuckle reverberated and he looked at him from that strangely familiar angle.

_ Oh God, he’s part of me. _

Two pairs of blue eyes met properly again and he saw (remembered) arguing over boots and stables, lovely Guinevere and stench-laden berries, trust and magic, someone called Mordred.

“Arthur—what’s happening? Did I do this?”

Arthur’s hand took his—calm, strong, reassuring.

“Do you trust me Merlin?”

“...with my life.”

Again Arthur’s eyes did that strange thing... _hang on, is that what mine look like when...? How...?_

“Can I walk you home and try to explain?”

“Please.”

#~~~# 

Arthur relinquished Merlin’s hand so he could adjust his backpack then took it back, worried he’d float away like a helium balloon. They didn’t bother with getting items from their lockers, too focussed on the unusual phenomenon occurring between them.

Arthur tried to talk slowly and be patient when Merlin interrupted with a question or comment. Each life had taught him something about the way things ought to be as opposed to the way they were.

“The worst was the horse.”

“A horse?” Merlin snorted with laughter and Arthur’s heart danced an encore.

“A fox hunter’s horse, I haven’t hunted for sport since.”

“You eat meat-"

“Everything exists to be eaten Merlin.”

“I could really go a bite of mountain right now.”

Arthur laughed. “Your tone and grin are the same, exactly the same.”

“You never looked at me like that when I did it before.”

“I never fancied you before.”

“Wish my house was further away now.”

“Where is it?”

Merlin pointed to a bold blue town house two buildings down. A harried woman in a nurse’s uniform rushed out of it to a bile-green mini smothered with fuchsia kiss-lip decals. She fumbled with her keys and looked up the street.

“Justin! What took you so long? I’ve been called in to...oh...Boyfriend?”

Merlin let go of Arthur’s hand. Arthur offered the newly released hand to his mum.

“Sorry Mrs Penway, I’m Arthur Falconer.”

Mrs Penway chortled.

“So cute, Justin’s middle name is Merl...”

“He knows Mum.”

“No hanky-panky while I’m at work...!”

“Mum!!”

She kissed Merlin's ripe tomato cheek. “We’ll talk in the morning before you go to school. There’s money on the table so you don’t have to try and cook again-“

“He could stay with me, I mean in a separate room, at my place. Mum won’t mind. My brother and I have friends over all the time when their parents do night or graveyard shift. Here’s her number-Carol. You can call her from work if you like.” Arthur handed Merlin’s mother _so different to Hunith_ a business card with his mother’s name, mobile number and studio address.

“I will. Thanks.” She ducked into the garish mini, blew Merlin a kiss and sped off.

#~~~# 

“Why did you do that?”

“I’m not trying to seduce you...” Merlin’s spirits dropped unexpectedly and his innards fluttered. “...I don’t like the idea of you alone all night.”

“This won’t be the first time. I’m not useless.” 

“Let me take care of you. I owe you and we still have a lot to talk about. Hopefully I can kiss you goodnight instead of goodbye.”

Merlin’s past and present were still crashing together and retreating like waves but he still knew his attraction to Arthur belonged solely to this life. _Hopefully you’ll kiss me_ all _night_.

Arthur’s eyes widened.

“I said that aloud again didn’t I?”

Arthur called his brother to pick them up while Merlin packed what he would need for a mid-week sleepover, including pyjamas although he didn’t normally wear them. They filled up on snacks before their ride arrived. Arthur briefly introduced him as Merlin to Eric who proceeded to ignore them both in favour of flirting and wolf-whistling out the window as he drove.

“Are you rich again?”

“Not particularly. I lied about separate rooms. Definitely separate beds, my parents don’t allow hanky-panky either.”

“You have both this time?”

“Yeah. Dad’s in Afghanistan. Yours?”

“Um...became a woman and ran off with Mum’s brother.”

“You’re kidding!”

“Yeah, I am, never met him. Mum got knocked up in high school and he told her to get an abortion or she was dumped. The way Pop tells it, she kicked him in the nuts and told him to eff off in front of his mates and parents at his big cricket match. She’s fully chuffed I’m Gay. I think she was worried I’d get some girl pregnant and continue the cycle.”

“My Mum’s in denial. Being an open-minded art teacher I figured she’d be behind me one hundred percent and Dad the military man would be a problem. He actually asked me before I came out to Mum. He keeps trying to tell her but...” Arthur shrugged.

“Dad asked you because I told him. He still grounded me for the... yeah never mind. Kiss him in front of Mum and she won’t be able to deny it.” Eric grinned as they pulled up.

“Hmm, dinner table snog...out loud again?”

Arthur smiled rather shyly as he led Merlin to his room to dump their stuff and Merlin’s innards jitterbugged. To cover his nerves he changed the topic. “So horse was the worst, what was the best?”

“Definitely the first one, although this one is getting better. The most fun was the one before this, when I was a female impersonator...”

Merlin cackled like a laying hen at the picture in his head as he sat on the guest bed.

“True! A darn good one. My wife was a choreographer and we’d just dance together in the living room, when a song we liked came on while we were washing up, anytime, anyplace we felt like it. It was so free and spontaneous. Not like those stodgy royal balls. Tripped down a flight of stairs in my stilettos and broke my neck in the end.”

“What’s it like to die?” Merlin’s voice was soft and small in contrast to Arthur’s nonchalance. 

“Don’t you remember your own?” Arthur sat comfortably close next to him.

“I haven’t remembered yours.” 

“I don’t think I should tell you, it’s different every time. I don’t want you to expect something and...”

“I understand.”

#~~~#

Arthur didn’t think Merlin did. He didn’t get to elaborate because Eric knocked loudly on his door.

“Get your mouth off his knob and come talk to Dad.”

Arthur stuck two fingers in his mouth and replied “be derw in mimud.”

Eric’s laugh retreated down the hallway as Arthur bounded off his bed and held out his hand with a smile.

“You won’t have to keep any secrets from me or my father this time Merlin, I promise.”

They were still holding hands when the family video conference ended. Arthur’s mother had pulled her cat’s arse face whenever she noticed their linked fingers or intimate glances and his father had ensured she frequently noticed. In case she still wished to argue, Arthur made a point of briefly kissing Merlin as they sat down to dinner.

“I was only joking about that,” Merlin muttered during the meal.

“Let him have his fun Merlin. This is the only time in weeks he isn’t moping about as if he found Atlantis only to watch it sink away again. It’s disgustingly cute how much he fancies you." A crusty dinner roll bounced off Eric’s head. "Ow!”

“Oops, sorry.” Arthur smirked.

“Arthur!”

Eric pegged it back.

“Eric! The next person to launch a projectile poses for my seniors life-drawing class.”

Merlin laughed as the brothers grimaced at each other and sat on their hands.

Eric passed them on the way to his room as they later prepared for bed. “Keep your hands to yourself Artie-poo, these walls are pretty thin.” He cupped his hands together to produce smutty sounds and moaned “Merlin, Merlin, Merlin...Aargh, get off! Or I’m telling Mum you threw your boyfriend at me and you’ll have to pose nude for the biddies.”

“You got it all wrong Eric. He calls my name much louder than that with a lot more ‘God yeah, harder Merlin, you’re _hu-uge’_.” Merlin casually stated.

Arthur stopped killing Eric to stare dumbfounded and Eric stopped trying to claw him off to laugh.

“Art needs a guy who _gives_ as good as he _gets_.”

“He won’t be giving or getting anything until you get out of here.”

Eric laughed again. “You can stay. None of his other boyfriends ever stood up to...”

Merlin glared at Arthur, Arthur glared at Eric, Eric touched Merlin’s shoulder “...not that he’s had any serious boyfriends, he’s never invited one overnight before. I’m just saying you’re different, not that...”

“Shut up Eric.” Arthur said and he left. “Sorry Merlin, stupid jerk. Of all the brothers in all the years you meet _that_ one. Still, at least I’m not a girl this time, don’t think I could handle you seeing me like that...”

“Other boyfriends?”

“As if I’m the first guy to kiss you!”

“Well, no but...”

“Didn’t you hear what Jerk said? No serious boyfriends, you’re different, don’t touch Merlin up cos we’ll hear you. He’s right about thin walls, urgh the horror stories. So glad Dad’s not home.” Arthur prattled on as he slipped into his covers.

“Skip back a bit...did you say you were a girl?”

“Four, I think, including a Queen of England.”

“Which one?”

“Not telling. You’ll laugh.”

“Ever been pregnant?”

“Once. Died in childbed. Still haven’t found out if the baby survived.”

“What was it like?”

“Simultaneously wonderful and horrible. I’ve missed having you to talk to. You made me talk about everything.”

“Especially stuff you didn’t want to talk about.”

“You were a persistent turd, hypocritical turd too.”

“We sorted all that out before...”

Arthur remained silent to let Merlin get through the thought on his own.

“...before Mordred...”

He watched Merlin wrack his brain for the rest and saw that it refused to answer his summons. “Yes, we did. We apologised until we were both sick of hearing the word ‘sorry’, which is why I can’t figure out what I have to make right between us.”

“Well I didn’t fancy you then Arthur. I definitely liked only girls.”

“Me too, so I know some fairytale snogfest isn’t going to change anything. It will make me happy, but not mend what’s broken.”

“Make me happy too.”

“I want to kiss you goodnight.” Arthur’s voice wavered through the lamplight.

Merlin’s breathing filled the silence as he thought before crossing the room and sliding into Arthur’s bed.

“Only kissing. I don’t want Eric coming in h...” Merlin’s mouth swallowed the rest of his sentence. Their kisses remained shallow and tongueless. Their hands remained outside the covers.

“I missed you Merlin.”

“As confusing as this is, I’m glad you found me.”

They fell asleep whispering and holding hands.

#~~~# 

“Well that wasn’t it,” Arthur said when they awoke squashed together. “You’re more snugly than you look. I could get used to sleeping with you.”

Merlin’s face grew hot and his flustered expression made Arthur want to rummage inside his ill-fitting pyjama top. With thin walls and having to get ready for school Arthur decided against it.

“As guest you get first shower,” he put all thoughts of bare Merlin skin out of his head with great difficulty, “be quick because Eric barges in without knocking and the only ensuite belongs to Mum and Dad.”

“Still beats readying your bath.” Merlin grabbed his clothing bag and dashed out, face red as a myriad of reflections of earlier Arthur in various states of undress were brought to mind.

Eric thumped the door as Arthur readied his school gear while waiting for Merlin to return. “Merlin! Get your dick out of Art’s arse and into the shower!”

“God Merlin harder, more, more uh.” Eric opened the door. “Hey, we were...”

“If he was in here you wouldn’t have done that. Hope I didn’t cock it up for you last night.”

“We got over it.”

“Make sure you hold his hand today, and not just in private.”

Arthur was taken aback. “You’re serious.”

“Do you want him thinking all that flirting last night was to get Mum to accept her boy’s a _Gay Mahn Noow_?”

“Merlin’s more than that...”

“ _I_ can see that, make sure _he_ knows it. I’ve got a feeling about him Arthur—don’t let some misunderstanding stuff this up.”

Unlike previous siblings, Eric had an undeniable knack for knowing what was best for Arthur. No matter how stupid-sounding or unwanted, his advice had yet to be wrong. The situation this time was too important not to listen to him.

#~~~#

Arthur’s hand was warm, strong and comfortable in his as they approached his friends. Merlin’s heart skittered and he constantly looked from his feet to their joined hands, never up. He could tell by Arthur’s voice he was nervous about his friends’ reactions to Merlin’s presence in the group but equally determined to have him here; still brave but in such a different way, as if his struggles purged all imperfections to create a faultless blade. Merlin couldn’t help but look up at _his boyfriend, Arthur just introduced me as his boyfriend_ as his mind rang with the name Excalibur.

Arthur hadn’t surrendered Merlin’s hand, so he waved his empty one to return their awkward greeting. Merlin stood silently until the bell sounded despite the reassuring pressure from Arthur’s fingers.

“I’ll meet you at the rock at start of break. If I’m late, wait for me. For some important reason I didn’t do the geography homework and Tibble will be after me.” Arthur’s dry lips brushed against his, blue eyes smiled at him and Merlin’s brain focussed on nothing but Arthur: past, present and possible future, for the rest of the day.

#~~~# 

Arthur hoped his friends wouldn’t be Eric-level dickheads to Merlin. While he’d ceased to associate with people who treated others like dirt for fun, he’d also learned that deep down everyone is a potential twat. The result was a more patient, ‘cruisier’ Arthur than what Merlin would be used to. He hoped he would be impressed rather than disappointed by these changes and kept tightening his fingers around Merlin’s as much from nerves as the need to strengthen his formerly missing piece.

He felt Merlin’s gaze as he said “I think you all know my boyfriend, Justin” and wanted to return it but he couldn’t risk exposing the odd connection they shared so publicly. The way their eyes locked as Merlin’s magic flipped through their memories would make them look like they belonged in _High School Musical_ – Vomit!

The worst thing about Tuesday was no classes together. The best thing about Tuesday was no classes together. Arthur would have nagged Merlin to sit beside him (move along Rick) and then had to resist touching his hand or leaning against his arm, thigh, _should’ve snuggled into him longer this morning...crap, what did Thorn say about geography homework?_

He made sure Merlin knew he wanted them to spend break together with an almost-kiss and hurried off. He couldn’t stop smiling like a goon all day and contributed enthusiastically to lessons like he had before fretting over the Maybe-Merlin-Noob.

“Nice to have you back Mr Falconer,” Mr Tibble enthused, “shame one can’t say the same of your homework. Have it in by final bell or detention tomorrow.”

So much for a sun-filled lunch hour with Merlin! He’d been looking forward to sitting together, talking, feeling Merlin’s hand in his, snuggling Merlin into the curve of his arm, smelling Merlin’s sun-warmed hair and _stop it!_

Instead they were in the musty lavender scented library so he could finish homework that would probably be obsolete by the time his father returned. Merlin snorted across the large table they shared.

“Who wrote this tosh?” They looked at the cover and Arthur smiled – _Arthurian Legends – facts behind the fiction_. 

“I’ve read everything ever written. None of it comes close. Grab the one by Fortescue for a laugh if they’ve got it. I still cack my daks at that one.”

#~~~# 

This Arthur was different but with so much early Arthur it was like looking at him through a kaleidoscope. Merlin wondered if Arthur felt the same way looking at him. Judging by the look in his eyes all Arthur felt was

...laughter, disbelief, smiles, sympathy, disappointment, _slap!_ gratitude, concern, fear, friendship, sorrow, pride...

The flickering montage of memories from their ancient history ended as Arthur turned back to his work.

Arthur had been proud of Merlin. When he was a bumbling, useless servant his princely companion had been proud of his courage, his commitment to what he felt was right, his love for family and friends. When Arthur said it had been an honour in Elador he meant it, it wasn’t some platitude in case Merlin was wounded or worse. He was as vital to Arthur as Guinevere and it had nothing to do with destiny. He’d loved him quirks and all as deeply as he’d loved Gwen, just in a completely different way.

Merlin was aware of the shift in balance between them. This time Arthur knew they were fated to do something together and held his own share of what he called Merlin’s magic. Instead of looking for answers in the opinions of others, Merlin began searching for answers within themselves.

#~~~# 

Months passed.

Their relationship deepened. Arthur’s friends accepted Merlin into the fold as if he’d never been separate. None of them called him Justin any more. All parents approved of their son’s choice and knew they were behaving themselves. Eric gave them shit tailored to amuse without inflicting harm.

Arthur became increasingly uneasy.

They were no closer to figuring out what had gone wrong. He didn’t want to force Merlin’s memory. Actually, he did but for Merlin’s benefit he chose not to. They seemed to teeter on the edge at times then, like a message written in sand, the tide of thought swept it away before they could read the important bit.

Increasing mutual hunger for intimate contact beyond kissing, hand holding and cuddling was not helping them focus. Was--Not. 

Eric approached him one afternoon when he was (moping) studying on the lounge room floor.

“Help me convince Mum to meet Dad at the stop-over on his flight home next week so we don’t have to listen to their homecoming sex. While she’s gone I’ll go to Jane’s. Merlin can come here and you two can...” he raised his eyebrows Groucho Marx style with a dash of Hugh Heffner sleaze, “before you both explode, killing several innocent bystanders and a sacred chicken.”

Arthur protested with extreme embarrassment.

Eric sat on him.

“I haven’t pummelled you since you were twelve Art but I will if I must. I’ll call his Mummy, spin-a bit-a bullshit and arrange to pick him up. If I have to put up with your rubbish radio failing to cover the sounds of you wanking...”

Arthur (wished he had Excalibur) consented to Eric’s plan and spent the week as a mindless bundle of nerves.

#~~~# 

“Bye boys. Do plenty of things I wouldn’t do.”

Merlin liked Eric. He was twisted, loud and fun; the sort of brother/friend Merlin had always craved. The fact that he kept giving him opportunities to be alone with Arthur didn’t hurt either.

“Death by Milkshake?”

“Only if you’ve got boysenberry ripple.”

Eric and Arthur invented Death by Milkshake the first afternoon they’d been left unsupervised. It comprised two thirds of the most indulgent ice-cream they could find with one third milk and chocolate shaved on top. You had to eat it; if you tried to drink it you popped blood vessels.

“You’re Mum’s seriously okay with this?”

“She thinks Eric, Sard and Gonk are here for a study weekend and that you’re here so I’ve got someone my own age to play with. Agh, no...I mean...”

“Don’t you want to play with me?” Merlin put on his best impression of the classical Pendragon pout but it dissolved rapidly into a cheeky grin as Arthur went a shy shade of pink.

“Um...I was hoping to build up to it.”

Merlin chortled, enjoying Arthur’s fumble. It was comforting that despite how many lives he’d led Arthur could still goof up like everyone else. He changed to an innocent topic of discussion and once armed with semi-solid shake, plonked himself in the direct centre of the only sofa. Arthur would have to sit close to him while they watched Iron Man and talked piffle until their conversation would turn serious and their thoughts completely to each other. He planned to tell Arthur he loved him before closing credits.

Before the opening sequence was over he’d managed to knock Arthur’s beverage all over him and the couch with his elbow.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry...” he panicked, expecting a classical Pendragon tirade of how clumsy and useless he was. 

“Don’t suppose you remember how to just...” Arthur made a vague gesture that Merlin eventually figured out meant magic.

“I haven’t tried anything like that in case I can’t.”

“Have a go.”

“No.” Fear of yet another failure, of perhaps being less than Arthur thought he was, constricted his voice.

Arthur stopped trying to slop mess back into his sundae glass and looked at Merlin with pained eyes.

“I won’t yell at you if it doesn’t work. I’ll love you anyway.”

Merlin watched Arthur’s eyes change again. When the deluge of memories combining past and present expressions of affection ended the mess was gone and Arthur’s mouth murmured “I love you” against his. 

#~~~# 

Arthur watched Merlin’s eyes change in that familiar way. When the mess disappeared with his most frequently revisited memories, Arthur leaned in to deliver a kiss.

“I love you.”

He’d been pondering where, how and when to sat it for what felt like an eternity. Saying it first as part of something else made it easier to say it the way he wanted to. The way Merlin reacted he began to wonder whether this was it, would everything be settled now? Arthur detailed everything he loved about Merlin, covering both lives and every form of love he felt.

Merlin closed his eyes as if letting the words surround him and kissed him repeatedly. This time when cool hands found their way beneath Arthur’s shirt he didn’t flinch back or trap them with a reluctant “stop”. He moved closer and tangled his tongue under and around Merlin’s, breathed hard against him, sent one hand up through his thick, dark hair and the other to find the skin of Merlin’s back.

“I love you too,” Merlin panted as Arthur’s lips released his and

#~~~# 

began travelling around his neck.

Merlin’s stomach knotted in anticipation. He wanted to feel every part of Arthur move against him—every part. He withdrew his hands from Arthur and began to remove his shirt. Arthur retreated from his mouth.

“Not...”

_ Not again! _ Merlin pushed him away. “Not now? Then when?” 

“Not here. Um, bed, I want to do this properly. This is important.”

Merlin’s heart hopped, skipped and jumped. Arthur wanted things between them to be special, not tawdry, it was...’nice’ wasn’t good enough, ‘sweet’ too cheesy, ‘romantic’ had feminine connotations...it was some incredible adverb that completely escaped Merlin’s mind while striking deep into his soul. He wove his fingers between Arthur’s and stood up.

“Whatever you say,” he conceded. Arthur wouldn’t hurt him, not deliberately; wouldn’t use him up and throw him away; wouldn’t take more than he would give. Merlin realised Arthur never had. He wasn’t so obvious about it before, keeping it hidden, but this aspect of Arthur hadn’t truly changed, only matured. This time he would trust Arthur completely. No secrets, no lies.

#~~~# 

It was odd being led to his room by his guest. By the one he loved. The one he wanted to see and feel naked. The one he wanted to hear sigh his name as their bodies met. The one whose name he stifled when he came in his hand. He wanted to do everything, to _be_ everything to Merlin but knew he couldn’t unless he could find what was broken between them. It haunted him, even now when Merlin

#~~~#

turned to face Arthur and carefully removed his shirt before stepping forward to lift Arthur’s over his head, wrap his arms around him and kiss his neck.

Warm and goose-bumped.

Deodorised perspiration.

Firm yet yielding.

Arthur’s hands pressed along, across and against Merlin’s back.

“God Merlin, you feel...” 

Arthur brought his hips forward and bent his knees. Merlin felt Arthur’s arousal against him _oh god, ohgod, ohgod, wanna touch, wanna..._

Arthur gave a soft “whoahr” as Merlin slid one hand into the back of Arthur’s pants and the other between them to feel the lump of Arthur with his palm.

#~~~#

Arthur stroked one finger up and down the nape of Merlin’s neck, other hand edging into his waistband when Merlin murmured beneath his chin “let me feel you properly.”

It was difficult to fold the button and slide the zip with Merlin rubbing _oahuh_ him like that. Arthur’s brain was not taking calls from his fingers as it was too busy composing a symphony of porn. Eventually cock yelled at brain ‘I can’t perform your masterpiece in a denim strait-jacket!’ Brain apologised and fingers succeeded in removing everything. Merlin’s fingers were immediately upon him and it definitely felt different to when he gripped himself: angles, dimensions, directions; everything was wonderful as Merlin touched, stroked and spanned his hand around him.

Arthur wanted to stick his tongue in Merlin’s mouth and lick in time with his hand movements, but Merlin was using that mouth on Arthur’s shoulder, collarbone and throat. He settled for moaning and sliding in Merlin’s hand while removing Merlin’s cargoes and hinting that he wanted to lie on the bed.

So ‘hint’ wasn’t the most accurate verb...

#~~~# 

“You, on me, bed.”

Merlin wasn’t prepared when Arthur twisted them in the air so they landed with a _phwump_ onto one of the beds. He didn’t know which, or care, being more concerned by the way their bodies thudded and bounced on impact as well as the fact he was still sort of partly dressed.

“Off!” He ordered his underwear.

It wasn’t magic but Arthur that made them fly across the room. Still, it was results that mattered. The sounds Arthur made as he took Merlin’s erection in hand bordered on reverence and the way he thickened in Merlin’s grip was unarguably a compliment.

Merlin shifted his head with an “ohh yes” to look into Arthur’s face and kiss him but Arthur didn’t notice. His eyes were on his prize, focussed unwaveringly on watching Merlin’s cock in his hand. Merlin was mesmerised by the way Arthur’s breathing followed his strokes, by his downturned blue eyes. He felt Arthur’s words on his skin as they floated from his lips: “god that’s beautiful.”

They soon found a rhythm that fit and began sliding, stroking, sighing and squeezing in time.

#~~~#

Arthur looked up to find Merlin’s eyes almost closed, lips slightly apart, with an unfamiliar flush to his skin. He repeatedly breathed his loved one’s name and watched him gasp wordlessly as they accelerated. Arthur felt his own muscles prepare for the end.

Merlin’s eyes opened briefly as he tensed against Arthur.

_ Let us come together, make this perfect, please. _

Arthur placed his mouth over Merlin’s so they panted into each other, looked into his closed eyes and whispered “come with me Merlin.”

“ _ Arthur! _ ”

“ _ Uhhh _ ! ”

They released into each other’s hands, slippery, warm and fantastic.

Merlin’s eyes opened and they weren’t blue...

#~~~# 

“Arthur!” Merlin shouted.

“ _Uhnhk_.”

Mordred struck from behind like the coward he was and gloated with laughter.

Merlin did his best to obliterate the murderous bastard but Mordred deflected or reduced most of the damage. He did have only half an arm remaining when he made his escape but that was no consolation as Merlin turned to his dying friend.

_ My fault... My fault... My fault... _

The words drummed through the warlock’s soul in time to the king’s faltering heart.

Merlin lifted him off the ground. He refused to leave Arthur lying in the heartless dirt so drew him onto his lap as if he were a child and poured his magic into him in an attempt to counteract Mordred’s enchantment and heal the wound.

“hlhgh fhrhlt,”

“Shh, be still. I’m sorry Arthur.”

Arthur grabbed his beard and pulled his face to look at him and tried to talk again.

Merlin scowled back. “It’s not working. Blasted Mordred! I knew he’d be the one to kill you, if I’d let the guards kill him, or told you not to help him escape...” Tears choked him.

Arthur glared at him, frustrated and angry now as he wheezed, coughed and tried once more to speak. 

“Decades on and you’re still a stubborn prat! I’m sorry, I know it’s my fault and I can’t fix it. Don’t die, please don’t DIE!”

Merlin was almost completely drained, his own pulse weakened and his tears fell into Arthur’s eyes as he convulsed. Merlin did not see the glimmering sheen behind closed lids as Arthur died in his arms.

#~~~#

Merlin tried to pull away.

Arthur knew what he had to do.

“Not your fault.” 

It was much easier to say without ruptured lungs and Merlin trying to shut him up, yet more awkward holding Merlin’s detonated cock in his hand.

“Look at me Merlin. **Look at me!** ” He hated being sharp with him, especially now, but he had to get through. Blue eyes turned to him, filled with an eternity of tears. He communicated all the love from his heart through his gaze and said gently “I never blamed you. It was **not** your fault.”

#~~~#

Merlin felt the balance of power shift, felt the magic he’d poured into Arthur return. Arthur had hoarded it, used it to bring them both back and relieve Merlin of his guilt.

“Stop blaming yourself. I couldn’t make you understand then but I’m going to make you understand now. We are only responsible for our own decisions, not each other’s. Mordred was as much my fault as yours. My death was not your fault. My ridiculous relay of lives was not your fault. The only deaths that have been your fault are little ones and thankfully this last one was in your hand, not mine.”

“I don’t...oh. Oh!” Merlin chuckled faintly at the reflexive squeeze he received from Arthur.

“You were a complete girl by the way. Rabbiting on and crying all over me like that.” Arthur’s grin and snugly movements took the edge off his words. After a few more kisses he added “Shower with me Merlin and we’ll prove neither of us are girls.”

#~~~#

Until Merlin died decades later, Arthur would snuggle into his lap and tell him that of all his lives this was the only one in which he wouldn’t change a thing.

Neither of them returned.

  



End file.
